Healing Mistakes

I moved out of Texas — a one-and-only time — October 10th of 2002.

I was back home by October, 2003 racking up 10s of thousands of Delta miles in the interim. (Also, thousands of rental car miles between Salt Lake City and Ashton, Idaho – one of the prettiest stretches of highway that exists.)

WIKIPEDIA - Wasatch Range, Salt Lake City, Utah... Click on the pic for full panorama.
WIKIPEDIA - Wasatch Range, Salt Lake City, Utah... Click on the pic for full panorama.

I missed my kids, my friends, my home, Texas… but I had been hell-bent to run from bone-deep grief. So determined, that I married a potato farmer and made that move to the farthest eastern portion of the Snake River Plain butted up against the Grand Tetons.

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Grand Tetons - seen from the Snake River Plain
Grand Tetons - seen from the Snake River Plain

Jeff and I had a chemistry that was palpable. If that hadn’t been the case, I would have been home long before those twelve short months.

That year was a lifesaving gift. I made forever-friends and gathered family that I still consider family. My only regret is that I disrupted the lives of two sweet girls, Allison and Kelsey – for that I will always be sorry.

Why do I delve into this?…

This morning, I headed out to clean my garage… and my hands, of their own volition — free from any thought processes, started unpacking boxes from the Idaho move back to Texas. These boxes had been stacked in my garage all this time; I’d managed to shove their existence to the very back of my brain for 8-1/2 years.

So why unpack them today?

My guess is because my life will be entering a new adventure in the next year or so. I’m now engaged to one of the best men who ever lived. He loves me  – sometimes I’m awestruck by how much he loves me. He loves me so much that I am for the first time in my life free to be ALL of me. And since some of this “ALL of me” is rather raw, I’m amazed he tolerates me at times.

My first husband, Gary, died almost twelve years ago. Jeff died more than three years ago. I still grieve for Jeff, and I will never finish grieving for Gary and the more than 26 years of full-to-bursting life we had together.

I’ve made mistakes on my long path of healing, but each mistake has taught me more about life, more about me. I’ll keep on making mistakes and keep on learning. Life never stops giving in that manner unless we quit receiving — this I believe with all my heart.

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Well, the garage is cleaner than it’s been in years. Trash and recycle bins are brimming for Monday’s pickup. Boxes are stacked ready to go to storage. My hands are blistered, and this beer tastes great.

There remains one banker’s box from Idaho to explore. Maybe in another 8-1/2 years…

– debi

Relief is spelled R-A-I-N (My Neighborhood, Part 6)

North Texas is scorched; the last substantial rain we had in the Dallas/Ft Worth metroplex was Tuesday, May 24.

It was a fun day for my boyfriend and me.  The Texas Rangers hosted the Chicago White Sox, and we accepted an invite to watch from a suite at the Ballpark in Arlington.

Strange strains of luck seem to follow Ken and me any time we travel or plan outings, that evening being no exception; the heavens opened for the last time this summer and chased us out of the Ballpark. We left, thankfully, when the game was suspended… a three hour delay to see the Rangers lose at 1:30am is not one of my favorite things. Continue reading

Exceptional Memories

Every once in a while we experience an event that is so fun, so fulfilling that the glow remains for days and the memories last for life.

I had one of those days last Saturday.  I wasn’t the only one that experienced the ebullient well-being; in fact, I probably felt it least of the participants.

Richie, Derek and Russell
Richie, Derek and Russell

My son, Russell, and two of his buddies, Derek and Richie, raced in CMRA‘s Eight Hour Mini Endurance 250 cc Class motorcycle race at Eagle’s Canyon Raceway in Decatur, Texas.  The three members of team Skidmark were all novices to racing, but they made a respectable first run at the sport.

Happenings that stick permanently in our memory banks are most often the ones that are earned with grit and usually some form of failure before we get it right; last Saturday was no exception.

Anticipation of first run
Anticipation of first run

Twenty-five minutes into Russell’s first run, my stomach left my body temporarily and did nauseating somersaults upon finding its way home. Russell laid the bike down and skidded across the pavement at 50 mph, shredding leather and leaving him adrenaline-drained.  Later he explained, “The straight away before turn 9 is really rough and is a long bend left and then goes straight into a downhill double apex and there are no brake markers. I kept getting faster and braking later until finally my forks bottomed out and I low sided into the grass. It shook me up because it could have taken us out of the race. I didn’t get hurt at all, thankfully.”

I held my breath longer than any Guinness World Record holder to-date as Russell stood up and dusted himself and the bike off, got an OK from an on-track tech man and rode a couple more laps before he was forced into the pit to replace the shifter that was crippled in the fall.

When he got off the bike, he was too shaken to finish his run that should have stretched another twenty minutes.  I struggled with my composure as I watched my tall, strong son wrestle with dread of his next relay run. I listened as he quietly vented of his big feet dragging and how hard it was to get them under the shifter after each corner, of how anytime he needed to adjust his center of balance the bike shimmied on the track; an uncomfortable feeling at best.  Russell was so easy to spot on the track: taller and broader-of -shoulder than any racer in the field; a definite handicap in a 250 cc race.

Everyone at the track was supportive of each other; teams helping other teams even as they were competing against each other.  I watched as Richie, Derek and Russell worked together; the warm reinforcement and team effort was palpable; Russell needed only to convince his psyche to support his physical efforts.

I had to leave before Russell started his next segment, but he kept me informed of the team’s progress.

He overcame his trepidation and contributed to the team as I knew he would.  All three men, with their varied talents and abilities, created a stronger whole than the sum of the individuals: Russell with his intelligence and true humility in learning the art of a new sport; Richie, his stream-lined physique and gentle soul with some of the quickest lap times on the track; Derek, the natural-born mechanic – a tool has never felt so at-home as in his competent hands.

Derek, Russell and Richie completed 261 laps in eight hours at an average speed of 90 mph and came in at 18th place out of 32 teams.

Go, Russell!

Next race June 10-12.

I’ll be there.

I love you and your tenacity, Russell.

– debi

Lake Water

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Sisters

Dunking and splashing

In water ruby-stained with iron ore.

We were mermaids: at home with  fish and turtle.

Flaxen streaks amidst brunette honed to honey-hues

Cascading on shoulders burnished brown

From the chrome-hot sun.

Running, running, laughing, laughing;

Our heels hitting hard on pebbles, red clay squishing.

Only sand burrs finding hidden tender skin between toes

Or the quick grab of briar on bare arms slow the fun of hide-n-seek.

Steep-sided gullies carved by ravaging tributaries, trees and

Tall native prairie grasses provide haven.  Shh!

Listen for that final count of fifty and

The approach of seeker’s feet.


Bliss is having known

The caress of summer breezes

While being lulled to sleep on beaches

Of the southern rocks or northern pink sands

That form the complicated puzzle-piece border

Of the Red River dammed and brimming –

All under the careful watch of

The man in the moon.

We lived a childhood as sweet

As the perfume of the honeysuckle-laden air

And as gentle as the rich waters

In which we eagerly swam.


-debi

Inspired by my sis,

With whom I shared these moments and years.

My Neighborhood (Part 4)

Cat, cat, kitten, kitten and dog.

How can five tiny beings consume so much of life?

For years, I had only two cats and no dog.  My Siamese, Mesey,

The Evil Siamese

ruled the roost and the backyard.  She was a pest of loud meowing proportions (those of you who are proud slaves of Siamese know exactly of what I speak). Continue reading